I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
