i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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