Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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