There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
