My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
