I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
