Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
