It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
