I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
