I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
