I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
