I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
