So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
