I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
