My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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