Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
a search helicopter?!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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