I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
