There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just high enough for therapy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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