i jhust puked up my retainher.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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