Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
