I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
