Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have tasted many bathrooms
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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