they need to just BURY HIM!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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