I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
