I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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