Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
