worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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