I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
