Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize