me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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