oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
