The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
