; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
