After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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