I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
