I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
