I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize