John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This house was built for laser tag.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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