Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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