boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
