Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize