I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
