Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
