Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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