I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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