in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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