Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
