In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
