I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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