this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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