I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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