hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
