You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
