I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize