I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
