I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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