I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
