why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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