Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
