Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the condom got lost in my hair
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
