I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
