He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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